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Jokes buat hilang ngantuk (Yokohama Dec'2000)
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Kuiz menghibur........ - by PO 20/12/2000

1) Soalan: Sepasang suami isteri,SI isteri mengandung anak sulung dan
mengidam hendak memakan daging rusa putih. SI suami yang sayangkan
isteri,lalu pergi memburu masuk hutan keluar hutan, naik gunung turun
gunung dan dapatlah ia. Apabila anak mereka lahir SI suami memberi
nama Siti Nurhailiza.
Soalannya. Mengapa Si suami memberi nama anaknya Siti Nurhailiza? Jawapannya

2) Soalan: banyak-banyak air. air apa yg paling berani? Jawapannya

3) Soalan: kalu binatang-binatang buas naik komuter... manusia naik per???? Jawapannya

4) Soalan: APE BENDA BILA DIPOTONG IA TETAP PANJANG ? Jawapannya

5) Soalan: ada 20 ekor babi di dalam sebuah lori... dalam perjalanan
ke pusat penyembelihan... lori pergi ke stesen minyak... dua ekor
babi tak tahan bau diesel lalu melompat... seterusnya... lori itu
berhenti di lampu isyarat... seekor babi melompat kerana tidak sabar
menunggu... dan di Simpang Tiga... seekor babi terasa amat panik lalu
melompat... berapa ekor babi yang tinggal...? Jawapannya

6) Soalan: babi dan beruk ada seorang kawan iaitu tarzan, apabila
tarzan mandi kenapa babi dan beruk gelak? Jawapannya

7) Soalan: orang yang beli tau,  orang yang tau tak pakai,  orang yang
pakai tak tau,  apa itu... Jawapannya

8)Soalan: Dalam banyak-banyak lembu, lembu apa yang orang suka cari? Jawapannya

9)Soalan: antara orang perempuan dengan angkasawan perempuan apakah
 perbezaan dan persamaannya...? Jawapannya

                                                           

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Body Language
Samy Vellu was visiting India when he fell and broke his jaw
and was unable to speak. Being the great leader that he was,
he continued his grand tour.

On the last week of his visit, the RTM crew was present for
his press conference. Although unable to speak, Samy insisted
sending a message home to his Cabinet colleagues.

Samy caught a chicken and showed it to camera. He next took
a goat, and showed it to the camera. Finally he took a bag
and displayed in front of the camera.

Dr Ling was the first to see the video clips. He said, "Samy
is telling us that India has insufficient food because he
showed us chicken and goat, and he wants Malaysia to donate
bags of rice."
The senator watched silently then said, "No lah!...what Samy
trying to say is HE IS COMING BACK!!!"

The whole Cabinet was puzzled and look to the man for
an explanation.

The Senator reasoned, "AYAM KAMBING BAG!!!"
("I am coming back!!!" in Indian accent)

--------------------------------------------------------------

Bangla Joke
One day, there is an American, one Italian, a
Malaysian and a Bangladeshi travel around on a private
helicopter.
After about one hour travelling, the American take out
his cigarette ( Dunhill ) lighted it up
and start smoking after two sip, he throw the balance
of the cigarette.
The others three persons surprise and ask " Why didn't
you finish-up the cigarette before throwing ? " He
reply arrogantly " there is a lot of cigarette in my
country".
Half an hour later the Italian take a
bottle of branded perfume and apply on him and
the rest he throw out of the window. The other three
persons was surprised and ask " Why did you throw
away the perfume ? ". The Italian reply also
"there is alot of perfume in my country" .
The Malaysian don't know what to do suddenly push
that Bangladeshi out of the helicopter. The other
two person was shouted crazyly " Why did you push
him !!!!!!!?????? " .
The Malaysian say slowly "There is a lot of Bangladeshi
in my country ".

Everybody keep quite and stay away from the Malaysian.

--------------------------------------------------------

Learn Chinese in 5 minutes?


Ai No Pei............ I got this for free
Dum Gai ............. Stupid Man
Gun Pao Der......... An ancient Chinese invention
Hai Dei Kum............ They have arrived
Hao Long Wei Ting?........... Has your flight been delayed?
Jan Ne Ka Sun.......... A former late night talk show host
Kum Hia Nao......... See me A.S.A.P
Lao Zi ............... Not very good
Moon Lan Ding ........ A great achievement of the NASA program
No Pah King........... This is a tow away zone
Shai Gai ........... A bashful person
Tai Ne Bae Be ........ A premature infant
Tai Ni Po Ni ........ Small Horse
Wa Shing Ka ........ He's cleaning his automobile
Wai Go Nao?......... Please, stay a while longer
Wai Hang Mi? ....... I am not guilty
Wai So Dim? ......... It's very dark in here
Wai U Shao Ting ......... There is no reason to raise your voice
Wai Yu Sing Dum Song?........ Do you know the words to the Macarena?
Wai Yu So Tan?.......... Did you go to the beach?
Yu So Dum ............. You are not very bright
Tai Koo Ching ............smelly shit of a cat
Tong Sam Pah..............a container to put rubbish in.
Hang Gee La .............you are Mad!!!
Mah Nya Chan Teik ! .............. Dont be presumptious
Chee La Kah Loo..................I am upset
Mah Nya Cha Kap...................Big mouth
Ta Ble Ku Lang.........................Price is fix.
Goh Bek Tu Wok............ Stop sending replies to the joke

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Nak Kaya by RR 17/04/01
----------------------
Ini adalah kisah benar yang telah diceritakan sendiri oleh (Nama samaran
Mamat) kepada wartawan Variasari.
Sewaktu si mamat dalam perjalanan manaiki kereta untuk pulang ke KL
daripada JB melalui lebuhraya, beliau berhenti rehat di salah sebuah
hentian. Sewaktu berehat maka datanglah kepadanya seorang tua yang
berpakaian agak compang-camping lalu menegurnya, "Anak nak ke mana?".

Si mamat menjawab ringkas, "KL"

Orang tua itu bertanya lagi, "Boleh pakcik tumpang sampai ke Pagoh" dan
dijawab oleh si mamat tadi "Ehm... bolehlah." Lantas orang tua itu masuk
dan duduk di dalam keretanya.
Dalam hati si mamat berkata, "Hai, siapalah orang tua nii, orang ke atau
???" Beliau meneruskan perjalanannya.
Sebaik menghampiri Pagoh, orang tua tadi bertanya, "Anak nak kaya tak?"
Si mamat tersentak dan berkata dalam hati, "Dah buat dah orang tua ni. Nak
bagi aku kaya pulak. Orang tua ni nak bagi aku nombor kot. Atau nak
menguji
aku?"

Si mamat pun jawab, "Tak apalah pakcik, hidup sederhanapun cukup. Kalau
kaya nanti lupa diri pulak"

Orang tua tu tak bertanya lagi. Dalam hati si mamat berkata mungkin
jawapannya adalah yang terbaik takut-takut itu hanya ujian daripada orang
tua tadi.

Kemudian orang tua tu tanya lagi, "Anak nak kaya tak?"

Si mamat jawab serupa yang tadi, "Tak apalah pakcik, saya lebih senang
hidup sederhana".

Bila sampai di Pagoh, orang tua itu minta diturunkan lalu berkata, "Tu,
pakcik ada tinggalkan satu tin kaya cap Yeo's untuk anak sebagai tanda
terima kasih kerana tumpangkan pakcik. Terima kasih, ya nak." lalu orang
tua tu turun dari kereta.

Si mamat tersipu-sipu malu lalu menjawab, "Terima kasihlah pakcik" lalu
meneruskan perjalanan.

Pengajaran dari cerita tadi, kalau orang bagi kaya minta dia roti sekali.

Itulah ceritanya.....
---------------------------------------------------------------------

Ah Soh ---------by MA 20/04/01

Be careful......
There was this case in the hospital's Intensive Care ward where
patients always died in the same bed and on Friday mornings
regardless of their medical conditions. This puzzled the doctors
and some even thought that it had to do with the supernatural.

So the doctors decide to go down to that particular ward to
investigate the cause of the incidents. Come Friday morning,
everyone at the hospital ward nervously waited for the terrible
phenomenon to occur again.

Some holding prayer books and other holy objects to ward off evils...

Just before the expected time...........
...................
...................
.....scroll down ..............
...................
...................
...................
...................
...................
...................
...................

Scroll down for what happened.....
















Then Ah Soh, the part-time Friday cleaner, comes in and unplugs
the lifesupport system so that she can use the vacuum cleaner!!!!
------------------------------------------------------

Nama-nama pilihan (JAWA)--by PO - 25/04/2001
Berikut diturunkan beberapa nama nama pilihan orang Jawa:

1. HarapŠ÷ besar esok akan pandai tanam bunga, diberikan nama Rosman.
2. pandai membaiki kereta, namakan Karman
3. average dalam golf, Parman
4. pandai dlm penulisan, Suratman
5. gagah perkasa, Suparman
6. boleh mendengar sambil berjalan, Wakiman
7. selalu bertanya, Azman (loghat jawa bunyi Asman)
8. pandai buat kuih, Paiman
9. pakar jualan, Salman
10. pakar pasal alam sekitar, JASman
11. pandai melukis, tulis sajak, nyanyi lagu, Saniman
12. doktor gigi, Sugiman
13. supaya cepat naik pangkat, Yasman
14. Bakal kaki pukul dan dera orang, Deraman
15. yang ada darah Bengali, Manbai
16. pandai organise skim cepat kaya, Pakman (Te' Lo)

ada lagii...

17. Buat kerja ala kadar -KADARISMAN
18. Suka bagi orang susah-SUKARMAN
19. Suka mengada-ngada -NGADIMAN
20. Dua alam -HERMAN
21. Paling Haprak - KOMAN
22. Kalau yang kuat berlawan - Ultraman
23. suka makan makanan Jepun - Sukiman
---------------------------------------------------
You're next.......from: Radzi...date:12/6/01

When I was younger I hated going to weddings.... it seemed that all of
my aunts and the grand-motherly types used to come up to me, poking me
in the ribs and giggling, telling me, 'You're Next.'
They stopped that shit after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

--------------------------------------------------------------------


KAREKTOR MANUSIA BERDASARKAN KENTUTNYA......from Radzi...date: 25/5/01
1. Orang TIDAK JUJUR
Orang yang kalau kentut lalu menyalahkan orang lain.

2. Orang BANGANG
Orang yang menahan kentutnya sampai berjam-jam.

3. Orang BERWAWASAN LUAS
Orang yang tahu bila harus kentut.

4. Orang SENGSARA
Orang yang ingin kentut tapi tidak boleh kentut.

5. Orang MISTERIUS
Orang yang kalau kentut, orang lain tidak ada yang tahu.

6. Orang GUGUP
Orang yang tiba-tiba menahan kentutnya bila tiba masa nak kentut.

7. Orang yang PERCAYA DIRI SENDIRI
Orang yang selalu mengira kalau kentutnya bau harum.

8. Orang SADIS
Orang yang kalau kentut di ranjang terus dikibaskan baunya ke ranjang
orang lain.

9. Orang PEMALU
Orang yang kalau kentut tidak bunyi tapi lalu merasa malu sendiri.

10.Orang yang STRATEGIK
Orang yang menyembunyikan kentutnya dengan tertawa
terbahak-bahak biar orang lain tidak dengar.

11.Orang BODOH
Orang yang kalau habis kentut menghirup nafas untuk
mengganti kentutnya yang keluar.

12.Orang PELIK
Orang yang kalau kentut di keluarkan sikit-
sikit,sampai bunyi "tit-tit-tit"

13.Orang SOMBONG
Orang yang sering mencium kentutnya sendiri

14.Orang RAMAH
Orang yang senang mencium kentutnya orang lain.

15.Orang yang tidak senang BERGAUL
Orang yang kalau kentut sembunyi.

16.Orang AKUATIK
Orang kalau kentut di dalam air sampai bunyi
"blekuthuk-blekuthuk"

17.Orang ATLETIK
Orang kalau kentut sambil mengeluarkan tenaga dalam.

18.Orang JUJUR
Orang yang mengaku kalau habis kentut

19.Orang PINTAR
Orang yang boleh menandai bau kentut orang
lain. Nak tambah...

20. Orang MALANG
Orang yang nak kentut tapi terkeluar taik....


Cerita krew TV3 - by ARO 12/12/2000
---------------
Replay untuk yang dah pernah dengar.......read on

Ini cerita krew TV3 untuk episod jejak rasul.
Tiba di satu perkampungan di selatan Yaman, kereta pacuan 4 roda mereka tiba-tiba mati. Sebabnya minyak habis.
Oleh kerana pada waktu itu jurubahasa tak ada, maka cakap arab pun ikut yang ingat aje.
Beberapa orang kampung pun datang nak tolong.

Seorang krew TV3 berkata sambil menepuk bonet kereta
"Engine - Innalillahhiwainalillahiroji'un ".
Seorang lagi krew TV3 berkata sambil menunjuk lubang tangki minyak
" Petrol - Sodaqallah hul azim".

Pening semua pak Arab tu.


----------------------------------------------------------

Tersesat- by AA 13/12/2000
--------
Lanjutan dari Joke Yaman semalam, aku ada satu lagi version.

Kali ni its happen in Makkah.
Satu hari sorang pak cik jalan dengan bini dia di lorong kota Makkah, al-mukarramah dan nak jadikan cerita dia tersesat dan tak tau jalan nak balik hotel. Nak tanya pak arab, dia tak tau cakap arab. Pikir punya pikir dia pun teringat satu kelas tafsir yang dia pernah ikut....

Dia pun tanya pak arab ni...
" Ana fi dhala limmubin " (terjemahan - Saya dalam kesesatan yang nyata..)

Dia sambung lagi

" Ih dinassira thal mustaqim " (terjemahan - Tunjukkan kami jalan yang lurus..)

pak arab tu pun tepuk dahi... MasyaAllah....
-----------------------------------------------------------


Chewing Gum - by AA 18/12/2000
------------
Do you know the reason why Singapore government restricts the citizens not to buy chewing gum?
Here is the story.

One day Lee Kwan Yew went to Thailand and had lobster at the dinner with the Thai King.
After Lee finished, he asked the King:
Lee : Your Highness, what can you do with this lobster skin?
King: We cannot do anything with it, we just throw away.
Lee : Oh, no. In our country, we send it to the factory and produce some prawn cracker.

Then Lee had an orange. After he finished, he asked the King.
Lee : What can you do with the orange skin?
King: We cannot do anything. We just throw away.
Lee : Oh, no. In Singapore, we send it to the factory and produce some orange jam.

Then Lee asked for some chewing gum.
After he finished, he put on the plate and asked the King.
Lee : What can you do with the chewing gum?
King: Oh, no. We just throw it away.
Lee : In Singapore, we send it to the factory and produce condoms and send it to Thailand.

Lee said good bye to the King and the King asked Lee.
King: What can you do with the condom when you finish using it?
Lee : We cannot do anything. We throw it away.
King: In Thailand when we finish using the condom, we send it to the factory to produce chewing gum and send it back to Singapore.
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Who's the Boss? - by MSO 19/12/2000

When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss.
The brain said, "I should be Boss because I control the whole body's responses and
functions."
The feet said, " We should be Boss as we carry the brain about
and get him to where he wants to go."
The hands said, " We should be the Boss because we do all the work and earn all the money."

And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until finally the asshole
spoke up.
All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss.
So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work.
Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched,
the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered.
Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the Boss, so the motion was passed.
All the other parts did all the work while the Boss just sat and passed out
the shit!

Moral of the story:
You don't need brains to be a Boss - any asshole will do.
-----------------------------------------------------------
satu lagi joke Lee Kuan yew:- by MSO 19/12/2000

When the construction of the 2nd Link Bridge from Johore to S'pore was about to complete, Mahadir and Lee Kuan Yew invited Gus Dur to fish on the new bridge.
After some time, all of them did not catch a single fish.
So, suspecting something 'fishy', the three leaders asked the divers from their own Navy to check why the fish were not biting.

After diving and checking underwater for few hours, then the Chief diver from Indonesia told Gus Dur:
' All the fish know it was you. They thought that you're asleep and not interested in fishing'

Next the Chief diver from Malaysia told Mahadir:
"All the fish know it was you, So they went for hunger strike"

Lastly, the Chief diver from Singapore told Lee Kuan Yew:
'All the fish know it was you. So they are afraid to open up their mouth"
------------------------------------------------------------

Lain sikit... - by PO 19/12/2000


How to say I Love You in 100 Languages !!!

English - I love you
Afrikaans - Ek het jou lief
Albanian - Te dua
Arabic - Ana behibak (to male)
Arabic - Ana behibek (to female)
Armenian - Yes kez sirumen
Bambara - M'bi fe
Bangla - Aamee tuma ke bhalo aashi
Belarusian - Ya tabe kahayu
Bisaya - Nahigugma ako kanimo
Bulgarian - Obicham te
Cambodian - Soro lahn nhee ah
Cantonese Chinese - Ngo oiy ney a
Catalan - T'estimo
Cheyenne - Ne mohotatse
Chichewa - Ndimakukonda
Corsican - Ti tengu caru (to male)
Creol - Mi aime jou
Croatian - Volim te
Czech - Miluji te
Danish - Jeg Elsker Dig
Dutch - Ik hou van jou
Esperanto - Mi amas vin
Estonian - Ma armastan sind
Ethiopian - Afgreki'
Faroese - Eg elski teg
Farsi - Doset daram
Filipino - Mahal kita
Finnish - Mina rakastan sinua
French - Je t'aime, Je t'adore
Gaelic - Ta gra agam ort
Georgian - Mikvarhar
German - Ich liebe dich
Greek - S'agapo
Gujarati - Hoo thunay prem karoo choo
Hiligaynon - Palangga ko ikaw
Hawaiian - Aloha wau ia oi
Hebrew - Ani ohev otah (to female)
Hebrew - Ani ohev et otha (to male)
Hiligaynon - Guina higugma ko ikaw
Hindi - Hum Tumhe Pyar Karte hae
Hmong - Kuv hlub koj
Hopi - Nu' umi unangwa'ta
Hungarian - Szeretlek
Icelandic - Eg elska tig
Ilonggo - Palangga ko ikaw
Indonesian - Saya cinta padamu
Inuit - Negligevapse
Irish - Taim i' ngra leat
Italian - Ti amo
Japanese - Aishiteru
Kannada - Naanu ninna preetisuttene
Kapampangan - Kaluguran daka
Kiswahili - Nakupenda
Konkani - Tu magel moga cho
Korean - Sarang Heyo
Latin - Te amo
Latvian - Es tevi miilu
Lebanese - Bahibak
Lithuanian - Tave myliu
Malay - Saya cintakan mu / Aku cinta padamu
Malayalam - Njan Ninne Premikunnu
Mandarin Chinese - Wo ai ni
Marathi - Me tula prem karto
Mohawk - Kanbhik
Moroccan - Ana moajaba bik
Nahuatl - Ni mits neki
Navaho - Ayor anosh'ni
Norwegian - Jeg Elsker Deg
Pandacan - Syota na kita!!
Pangasinan - Inaru Taka
Papiamento - Mi ta stimabo
Persian - Doo-set daaram
Pig Latin - Iay ovlay ouyay
Polish - Kocham Ciebie
Portuguese - Eu te amo
Romanian - Te ubesk
Russian - Ya tebya liubliu
Scot Gaelic - Tha gra\dh agam ort
Serbian - Volim te
Setswana - Ke a go rata
Sign Language - ,\,,/ (represents position of fingers when signing'I Love You')
Sindhi - Maa tokhe pyar kendo ahyan
Sioux - Techihhila
Slovak - Lu`bim ta
Slovenian - Ljubim te
Spanish - Te quiero / Te amo
Swahili - Ninapenda wewe
Swedish - Jag alskar dig
Swiss-German - Ich lieb Di
Tagalog - Mahal kita
Taiwanese - Wa ga ei li
Tahitian - Ua Here Vau Ia Oe
Tamil - Nan unnai kathalikaraen
Telugu - Nenu ninnu premistunnanu
Thai - Chan rak khun (to male)
Thai - Phom rak khun (to female)
Turkish - Seni Seviyorum
Ukrainian - Ya tebe kahayu
Urdu - mai aap say pyaar karta hoo
Vietnamese - Anh ye^u em (to female)
Vietnamese - Em ye^u anh (to male)
Welsh - 'Rwy'n dy garu
Yiddish - Ikh hob dikh
Yoruba - Mo ni fe
-----------------------------------------------------------

Ini kisah dua orang fanatik PAS & Umno. - by ARO 19/12/2000

Kedua-dua orang ni tak boleh jumpa, mesti bergaduh. Masing-masing kata dia yang lebih Islamic.

Mat Umno tu cabar, kalau betul PAS tu benar, mana bukti dalam Qur'an yang ada sebut PAS.
Pakcik PAS tu cakap, "memanglah tak ada ".

Mat Umno tu dengan bangga bercakap, "Dalam Qur'an ada sebut, Ya aiyuhallazi na Amanu. Maknanya wahai orang-orang Umno".
Pakcik PAS tu mengucap panjang, "memang sah orang Umno ni tak sekolah agama".
-----------------------------------------------------------

Ini kisah Samy Vellu dgn Indian Contractor: Replay. - by ARO 19/12/2000

Masa jambatan Pulau Pinang dalam peringkat cadangan - Confidential, Samy Vellu dah pecah lubang kat Indian Contractor from Tamil Nadu. So, dia bawak Indian Contractor tu jumpa Dr. M.

Dr. M tanya teknik macamana yang depa nak pakai untuk buat jambatan tu.

Samy Vellu menyampuk, katanya "They will have two construction teams, one will construct from the island and one from the main land and the bridge should meet at the middle. It is faster and very latest technology, sir".

Dr. M kurang yakin dan bertanya lagi, "If they miss the alignment and never meet at the middle, what will happen".

At this point the Indian Contractor menyampuk, "You are lucky sir, you will get two bridges".
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Kisah Tok Batin sombong.... - by ARO 19/12/2000
------------------------------
Seorang askar rejimen PPH berjumpa dengan Tok Batin.
Mereka mula bersembang pasal makanan, dari makanan kampung sampailah ke makanan western.
Tok Batin tu tak mengaku kalah, tiap-tiap makanan yang diceritakan oleh askar tu semuanya dia dah try.

Mula-mula cerita pasal KFC, "Tu shaya dah terai dah, shedap....."
Lepas tu cerita pasal Pizza Hut, "Tu shaya dah terai dah, shedap....."
Lepas tu MOS Burger, "Tu pun shaya dah terai dah, shedap....."

At this point, askar tu dah syak Tok Batin ni nak temberangkan dia. Dia nak mengenakan Tok Batin tu pulak.
Askar tu tanya, "Tok Batin pernah makan kari kepala ikan ?". "Tu pun shaya dah terai dah, shedap....."

Askar tu tanya lagi, "Tok Batin pernah makan kepala keretapi ?". "Tu pun shaya dah terai dah, shedap....."
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